For a Good Laugh - funny stuff only !

funny picture

2007-02-06T22:42:00.000+05:30

say cheese !

Funny One Liners

2007-02-06T22:39:00.000+05:30

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.

I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don't look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art

funny business

2007-02-06T22:38:00.001+05:30

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.

funny picture

2007-02-02T00:16:00.000+05:30

Oooops !

funny one liners

2007-02-02T00:12:00.000+05:30

I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"

My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

funny business

2007-02-02T00:09:00.001+05:30

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.

If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.

funny docs

2007-02-01T23:54:00.000+05:30

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Funny pic

2007-01-30T23:07:00.000+05:30

Cat Emotions !

Funny Docs

2007-01-30T22:54:00.000+05:30

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Fun at work

2007-01-30T22:50:00.000+05:30

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

funny pic

2007-01-27T17:18:00.000+05:30

Dont ignore this warning !

Funny Signs

2007-01-27T17:16:00.000+05:30

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"

In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"

In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"

In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"

In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Funny pick up lines

2007-01-27T17:14:00.000+05:30

Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.

You look a lot like my future wife.

I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

What do you like for breakfast?

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

I want to call your mother and thank her.

Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.

That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

funny picture

2007-01-24T19:37:00.000+05:30

Don't mention it !

Funny News

2007-01-24T19:35:00.001+05:30

Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies

Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While

War Dims Hope for Peace

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead

Man is Fatally Slain

fun at work

2007-01-24T19:29:00.000+05:30

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.

funny picture

2007-01-22T13:10:00.000+05:30

some research !

Funny News

2007-01-22T13:09:00.001+05:30

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

Police Found Safe Under Blanket

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)

Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Funny One Liners

2007-01-22T13:03:00.000+05:30

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

funny picture

2007-01-20T14:39:00.000+05:30

A Real Problem !

Fun at Work

2007-01-20T14:36:00.000+05:30

To err is human, to blame someone else shows real management potential.

What if they held a meeting - and nobody came? Would nothing still get done?

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Funny Headlines

2007-01-20T14:26:00.000+05:30

Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years
Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved

MacArthur Flies Back to Front

Deer Kill 17,000

Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains

New Vaccine To Contain Rabies

Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Bridge Held Up By Red Tape

Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

British Left Waffles on Falklands

Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead

New Vaccine May Contain AIDS

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors

Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice for the same Crime

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Funny pick up lines

2007-01-18T19:27:00.001+05:30

Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?

When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.

Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here.

You sure have a great looking tooth.

Are you religious? You're the answer to my prayers.

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.

My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.

Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!

You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.

Falling for you would be a very short trip.

Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.

Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.

You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.

Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.

Those must be space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world!

I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.

Can I lick that film off your teeth?

Don't be so picky....I wasn't!

funny pics

2007-01-18T19:19:00.000+05:30

Which windows?

funny answering machines

2007-01-18T19:17:00.000+05:30

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do.

Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.

funny picture

2007-01-17T19:21:00.000+05:30

What'd u have for Lunch?

funny one liners

2007-01-17T19:18:00.001+05:30

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

funny pic

2007-01-16T13:18:00.000+05:30

Replacement Saviour ?

funny one liners

2007-01-16T13:16:00.000+05:30

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

funny pics

2007-01-15T23:06:00.000+05:30

The "ANY" Key !

Funny Answering Machine msgs

2007-01-15T23:04:00.000+05:30

Hello, you have reached 987-6543. Please press one for English, 2 for English, or better yet: call back when you speak English! (thanks to Kathy Ziemer)

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call even sooner!

Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?

Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.

Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi! This is Frank. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?

Funny Picture

2007-01-15T12:48:00.000+05:30

Workaholic ?

More Funny One Liners

2007-01-14T23:38:00.000+05:30

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Contents may have settled out of court.

funny joke

2007-01-14T02:19:00.000+05:30

The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor.

The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise.

“You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.”

This news saddened the clown immensely.

“I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears.

“Why not?” asked the doctor.

The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”

funny picture

2007-01-13T17:00:00.000+05:30

The Wedding Aftermath - a true story !

funny one liners

2007-01-13T16:58:00.001+05:30

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Funny One Liners

2007-01-13T15:53:00.000+05:30

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

Funny Picture

2007-01-12T14:04:00.000+05:30

Chineese ?

Funny SMS

2007-01-12T14:00:00.000+05:30

It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!

Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all

Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i laugh again

Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls can I have "U"?

This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

Fun pics

2007-01-10T19:38:00.000+05:30

Now thats what I call an Umbrella !

more fun bumpers

2007-01-07T19:40:00.000+05:30

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

Honk if you hate peace and quiet.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Your stupid!

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!

Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!

Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

funny pics

2007-01-07T19:35:00.000+05:30

Cow-a-saki

more funny bumpers

2007-01-05T14:00:00.000+05:30

I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

I always miss my wife.....but now my aim is getting better.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

In dog years, I'm dead!

South Korea's got Seoul!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

IRS: Be Audit You Can Be

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Hang up and drive.

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

I fish, therefore I lie.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Honk If you want to see my finger.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

funny pics

2007-01-05T13:40:00.000+05:30

Mouse for Ladies !

More Bumper Stickers

2007-01-04T22:27:00.000+05:30

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

On your mark, get set, go away!

What would Scooby do?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

If you can read this, you're not the president.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

Visualize Whirled Peas

If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

What we need is a patch for stupidity!

Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!

Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.

Procrastinate now.

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

Rehab is for quitters.

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You - Off my planet.

If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

more funny pics

2007-01-03T22:30:00.000+05:30

Hmm...Now where to go ?

Funny bumpers

2007-01-02T00:16:00.000+05:30

i'm not driving fast, i'm flying low !

Just say NO to negativity

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).

The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.

I feel better after I wine a little.

I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.

National Spellling Bee Runer-Up

The Moral Majority is neither.

Dyslexics Untie!

Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.

I poke badgers with spoons.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Excess is never too much in moderation.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Think globally, Act galactically.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Don't believe everything you think.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.

Avoid alliterations always.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

What would Ashton do?

Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.

An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

What would Gandalf do?

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.

Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).

My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.

Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?

Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

What wouldn't Jesus do?

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Funny pics

2006-12-29T12:31:00.000+05:30

Extreme Biking

Gangsta's Remote

Hot Dog

Mission Impossible Mouse
Baby Teethers

Fun Q&A

2006-12-29T12:15:00.000+05:30

What is the thinnest book in the world?“What Men Know About Women”

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?They’re both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?Who cares.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?We don’t know… it has never happened.

What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What’s the difference between a man and E.T?E.T. phoned home.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What do you call a man with half a brain?Gifted!

What did God say after he created man?I can do better.

What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?1. No mind 2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?A tourist.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal?He bronzed it.

How do men sort their laundry?“Filthy” and “Filthy and wearable”

Only a man could buy a $400 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?He needed to practice.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?When the crew gets lost, at least she will ask for directions.

Q:Why are Michael Jackson’s pants so small?A: Because they aren’t his!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?A: Several children have fingered him.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?A. He heard that boys’ pants were 1/2 off.

Q. What’s the difference between a supermarket bag and MichaelJackson?A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept awayfrom small children. The other is used to hold groceries.

Q. How do you know when it’s bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?A.When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q. What’s brown and often found in children’s underpants?A. Michael Jackson’s hand.

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night? A. Hanson.

Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?A. Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re about fifteen.

Q: A child, an honest politician, and Santa Claus all spot a $20 bill on the ground. Who picks it up?
A: The child. The other two are figments of his wild imagination

Bob: There's one thing you don't want a brain surgeon to say. Bill: What's that? Bob: Oops. Q:

How do lamps communicate? A: Lampost

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: Because the chicken was on vacation.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas? A: To show the armadillo/opossum how it's done.

Q: Why did Jesus cross the road? A: He was nailed to the Chicken.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? A: To get to the same side.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Q: Why did the fried chicken cross the road? A: She saw a fork ahead.

Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road? A: Because there was a KFC on the other side.